I’m The Type Of Girl Who Leave
By Aeen Always
And i leave before as long as i will.|
Let me hear you call my name.
More than words.
SITI NUR UMAIRAH.
Always at the limits in th midst of everything, 19+
I love to express what I feel or share any post that i find it relevant.
So, it's quite boring.
Sorry, i just don't live to please anyone.
BE WITH SOMEONE
"who won't stay mad at you,
who can't stand not talking to you,
who's afraid of losing you."
& mean it.
Tweets by @airaahbaam
You know you love me, too.Layout is by Cia: (Blog | Acc)
Icons/banners are from: Stopthetime / Reviviscent respectively.
Links inspiration are from: Alissa. xoxo
Monday, July 6, 2015I'm sorry for being like this.
I'm sorry for not being the girl you're expecting me to be.
I'm sorry that I couldn't stop myself from all these bullshit.
I'm sorry if you said this is a choice I made.
I'm sorry for the silence.
I'm sorry that you couldn't accept this part of me.
I'm sorry that I would blame you for not giving the time I wanted.
I'm sorry for being myself.
I'm sorry I couldn't explain what it feels like to be me.
I'm sorry for reading dark quotes because you said it will defines myself.
I'm sorry that I would stay up late.
I'm sorry if inflicting myself affects you.
I'm sorry that being myself affects our relationship.
I'm sorry that there's nothing you could do.
I don't want to destroy us but I'm destroying myself.
I hope you understand that this isn't the choice that I wanted.
I hope you understand that reminding myself what I did was wrong isn't helping me.
Both of us have different perspectives and like you said, opposite attracts but you said that I'm repelling. I've pushed myself away to draw in tighter with you love. Allah knows the amount of time I've said that you deserves better instead of myself because it hurts you seeing me like this, I've always knew and I couldn't fathom these pain that you don't deserve.
I've once told you to stay, but today you told me to.
Just to let you know through hard time or how feelings will fade I would always stay. I've once lost the person I love and I couldn't bare to leave you despite me being like this. It's the question you should ask because no matter how bad the situations get, leaving you isn't in my choice my love.
I'm sorry if I dissappoint you because I am always in guilt to have you dealing with a girl that couldn't even help herself at times.
Mira played this song too much time at work!
Friday, June 12, 2015
"Climb up over the top.
Survey the state of the soul.
You've got to find out for yourself whether or not you're truly trying.
Why not give it a shot?
Shake it. Take control and inevitably wind up
Find out for yourself all the strengths you have inside of you."
Love love love love love.
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
And there they says,
as you grow older you will dig every flaws that you're trying to find.
In the end, it's like a jigsaw puzzle of your own life.
For my dad who will never read this.
20 years of living,
Nothing hurts more than the lack of attention.
Maybe the only thing I would only do was to wait for you to reach home safely.
Neither did i ever heard you asking how am I, nor, did you witness your own daughter birth.
Conversing within one another? We did, but not on daily basis.
Maybe that's the reason why I'm a person that who always need someones' presence,
because you're always not there.
I'm the only one among your others who'll cuddle in your arm,
waits for you to step in home till late at night from you work,
Purposely went out of my room just to check if you fall asleep on the sofa,
Who will always yells whenever you reached home and,
the only one that clings on you 24/7 whenever we went out.
Maybe that's why I don't bother looking in others when the one I had was with me.
Maybe that's why writting or typing is the only way because I don't speak.
Maybe that's why the slightest time that involves distant... Kills me.
And those who leaves, destroys me.
I don't know.
Maybe that made me the person I am now too.
Nonetheless, I can't blame you.
You pampered us with the things we wanted but not with time we needed.
You are my dad, my workaholic dad,
I love you.
What does it feels like?
Friday, May 15, 2015
What does it feels like growing up?
Honestly, i'm feeling pretty tensed up. I don't wanna grow up (feeling peter pan) - But suck it up, ofcourse I will. I don't know what it feels like, I'm leaving my teenage years. I've growing up now thinking how my future like. I've let go of things like, quality over quantity with friends. I've thought about back up plans, i've thought about who are my true friends are and now, I've accepted to feel the joy of being alone. Despite our constant busy schedule (Irfan & I), the feeling of missing him made me realised that being physically apart made us closer in hearts because you're constantly missing someone right? That applies well to my family, even when I'm living with all of them under one roof (except Kak Baya) - I love them.
Lastly, I put my trust on them so much. Despite of having trust issues, honestly, without a doubt, I have a full trust on him. I might feel that i gave a full trust on someone else but no, there's always a doubt. But for Irfan? Without a shadow of a doubt. Sometimes I do feel I trust others easily but sometimes I do feel that I don't because clearly their words bounce off quickly (which equivalent me not giving a fuck for long) -
Reaction when someone breaks your trust?
Neither I want a revenge nor I have bad wishes. My reaction? It kills me that I don't react physically but instead, emotionally. I'll flee the world like nothing. No matter how that hatred feels, the only thing that I want them to do? Change. Hurt your own soul to know what it feels like before hurting others. Lastly, my mum will always mention this to me and my cousin. "No matter how emotionally/ physically bad you are, as long as you're willing to change, people will always accept you."
First concert ever!
25th August 2015. Fuck whatever i'm doing on that day.
(which is clearly school)
Dear future me
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
To my future self,
I hope you're doing well right now, you may be married & maybe you're not. Are you still with Irfan?If you are, Alhamdulilah, Irfan kept his promise. I've already set a goal back then, inshaallah. Are you successful now or are you still struggling with yourself still? If you are, alhamdulilah. If you're not, keep in mind just like you always have, everything happened for a reason because Allah knows the best for you. You are your own healer. I hope you've started your solat, because secretly, mak and abah always wanted to see you solat because you're the youngest and the only one who haven't start all these. Did you managed to finished Lasalle? Because I hope you do. Back then, you're aiming for degree but if you didn't then it's okay, Allah knows the best for you. But if you do again, alhamdulilah. What are you doing now? Advertising just like Abah wanted you to? Or maybe you're working in broadcasting media just like Abah or you're in a complete different career path? In whatever path you are, it's meant to be for you even if you're working as a cleaner. Bersyukur :)
In case you've turned into someone that mak and abah doesn't like, your appearance or your action, no matter what, keep your gratitude attitude like you always do. If you are succesful now, alhamdulilah, keep it low and humble. Abah is your role model, he works hard for his family and always wanted the best for his daughter which is you and akak(s). Be like him. How is mak doing now? Is she having fun taking care of her grandson? How old is Ilhan and Khalish now? Is there anymore nephews or nieces? If you're married now, I hope you're like mak. She always wakes up early for Subuh just to prepare us for either work or school eventhough you always didn't eat the breakfast she made for you because you're either late or you forget to take the food she packed for you. You know yourself, you're very guilty for it because you upset her eventhough she didn't mention anything because you know how to read your parents body languages.
I hope you're stronger now. I really hope you do. Will you ever look back and regret every wrong choices you made? If you do, don't be. Like you always had in mind, everything happened for a reason because Allah knows the best for you. If its meant to be, it will be, that stigma quote you always had. I hope you're doing well.
19 turning 20 in 25 days time.
(continuation later, battery is dying and i have my work tmr!)
Wednesday, March 18, 2015
HATE THIS T_T
Specialism week........... I'm having fun dying here.
I am Banksy, not.
Saturday, March 7, 2015
2nd attempt for introducing colors into my illustration.
Honestly, it's not that easy as it looks to deal with colors even with illustrations.
Complementary and all that shit.
So i'm actually quite excited yet nervous for my upcoming project because..
It's my specialism project!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm not sure how to feel about the project given but..
It's quite interesting because it's about recipe and not about all those normal cooking recipe
but it's a recipe that requires your imagination and building up your creativity skills.
They've given lots of recipe topics but i've chosen this few at first :
And in the end..... It's
A recipe to make one invisble
I rather do expressive topic honestly so dont judge me
So mainly it could be totally anything so why not being invisible?
Like Banksy/ Anonymous/ Protester etc.
(I shouldn't be sharing my ideas but fuck it, who th hell reads my blog anyway. #lonewolf)
Whatever it is..
It's basically just the course that I'm taking in year 2 which is Design Communication.
Like official.. official.
For now i'm planning over in taking advertising instead of graphic design due to the fact that it's relatively close to Broadcast Media which I had it on my second choice. Also, maybe in the future I'll work in the broadcast media industry just like my dad? Maybe not? Haha, i shall just stop determing my own career for now. Zip up!
Whatever it is I hope it will and if it doesn't then it's okay.
Back up plan it is. Hehe.
CLEAN DESKTOP MAYBE?
Monday, March 2, 2015
Submission Done = Clean Desktop!
I may be a messy person in real life but... Not for my laptop.
I just don't know why, I'm quite particular on how organized my laptop looks like.
But whatever it is, 1 week off from school. YAZZZ.
Saturday, February 28, 2015
Let me appreciate gotye song :')
Facts about me.
I’m The Type Of Girl Who Leave
By Aeen Always
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Gonna get over and done with!
2 DOWN, 1 MORE TO GO!
Time check 9:55 PM and I need to go to bed.
24hours and I had a 1hr nap.
Because submission, you sucks.
Can't wait for my weekends and the week after because time for our long awaited...
Foundation year, you've been great i guess?
Expensive shit loads of materials, now i'm bidding goodbye.
Well except the fact that I can't run from printing shopping.
I had a weebly where I've never once share it to anyone i think?But it's just basic photoshop manipulation collage thing.
I'm actually not so sure what is these type called.
Here it is!!!
17 Things You Should Know
Saturday, February 21, 2015
Quite crazy how my final submission is coming this Monday and here I am.
But regardless, I'm almost done which is quite a relief i guess?
Whatever it is,
I just had to share the accuracy of this post i've read.
I may or may not be but I'll let Irfan decide the person I am.
17 Things You Should Know Before You Fall In Love With An Old Soul
by Koty Neelis
1. Don’t worry about going overboard with impressing us. It’s the simple things in life we have the most fun with. The easiest way to our heart is just doing things like walking around a city exploring, going on long drives in the country on the weekend, a trip to the bookstore, conversations that last long into the night. We value seemingly simplistic gestures over anything else because it’s in those moments where we feel we truly connect with someone.
2. We spend a lot of times in our heads. Like, A LOT of time. Old souls create rich inner lives and it’s within ourselves where we truly flourish. When you find us lost in thought or daydreaming don’t be afraid to pull us back into the real world.
3. Don’t expect us to ever care that much about material possessions or gaining wealth or status. To us, none of those things really matter. We don’t really care about how much money our partner makes or living the typical modern lifestyle with an emphasis on materialistic things.
4. Sometimes we’ll prefer hanging out by ourselves to hanging out with you. We need a lot of alone time to reflect and decompress from whatever’s going on in our lives, and we just need the person we’re dating to understand that, rather than feel rejected or upset.
5. We hold unconventional ideas about life and standards of living. We see the world and our life on a much larger scale and because of that, our philosophical views can impact our relationships and the way we interpret the things that happen in our lives.
6. We tend to have an easy-going and carefree nature about us but sometimes it can seem like we don’t care or like significantly hard moments aren’t as hard on us as they are for others. It’s not that we don’t care, or we aren’t impacted on the same levels, but we see each struggle in life as a moment to learn from and make us stronger.
8. We don’t really have a lot of friends. Tons and tons of acquaintances, yes, definitely, but we can probably only count our number of friends on one hand. An old soul is always a bit of a loner through life. We feel like we just don’t fit in with the rest of the world and our self-awareness about ourselves can sometimes inhibit us from making other friendships.
9. If we say we “have a feeling” about something, just go with it. Seriously. We often get gut instincts about people and situations. We know sometimes it may seem illogical but we’ve learned to hone in on our intuition, and it’s rarely ever wrong.
11. We have a lot of paradoxical traits. On one hand we value stability, but on the other hand we also require a lot of freedom in our lives and in our relationships. A relationship where we can have a bit of both is where we can really thrive.
12. We seek comfortable, cozy experiences. We’re more apt to want to spend a night in making dinner, watching a movie, or listening to music together as opposed to going out to a club or bar. We’ll join you if you really want us to go with you, of course, but just know for us – comfort is key.
13. Old souls have a very romantic view of the world and our relationships, which is great, except when we idealize things too much and become let down by our own expectations. Our partner can help us out with this by helping us stay grounded and reminding us of the realities of life if we become a bit too in our heads about something.
14. We have a tendency to be overthinkers. We’re highly analytical and we’re always noticing the things other people seem to skip over. Sometimes this causes our brains to go into overdrive. This is great when you want to get the scoop on a situation or person, but because of our analytical nature it can sometimes be kind of annoying when we’re in a state of overthinking something.
15. The person we date needs to have their own desires and dreams of their own. Old souls are looking for the kind of person who thinks for themselves and is fearless in the way they make their decisions and live their life. They have to have their own innate desire to better themselves and not just follow a path someone else has paved or told them to go down.
16. Communication is one of the greatest forms of intimacy to us. We want to hear about your childhood, your bad day at work, the diner you go to every weekend 3 blocks out of your way because they have the best coffee and eggs, the time you broke your arm playing baseball, your plans for the weekend. Old souls are very cerebral people. Hearing about your history, learning about the way you look at life, and how you understand the world around you based on your past experiences, is exactly what helps us to better connect with the person we’re dating. Don’t ever think any story is too boring or unimportant. We want to hear it all.
17. We might not be seeking a life-long partnership but we still need our romantic experiences to have a deeper meaning. We understand that people are not always meant to be with us forever – a lesson we’ve learned far too many times – but we still seek a connection that goes beyond the surface level. We want real passion, dedication, a romance we’ll always look back on fondly.
8, 9, 10 and 14.
Just emphasizing the spot on.
I really like this.
Thursday, February 19, 2015
I really miss blogging alot, honestly, and it's crazy that I've blogged only 3 freaking time last year 2014. For someone that has been consistently blogging since 11 (I'M NOT JOKING, 2006), it's a freaking world record for me because i'm a quite a tracker.
Honestly, I've been tracking eversince I was really young (like 9 or smtg) in my diary and because seriously, I treasure moments so much and sometimes, too much. Its like my own hobby, be it in photograph, videos, writing down, relating to music, i'm just like that and i'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing. Every pros has its cons.
Well asides then all these fussiness, for an update, i've been overly busy alot and let say 2/3 of my 2014 has been generally been so relaxed because I was working. But the moment school kicks in, I would like to make an apology to every single friend of mine for missing out or m.i.a due to school. Just to make it clear, i'm trying to balance out between school and friends but you know... stereotypically people say oh art school = no life. I might agree to that but to some circumstances, people say we had no life because we're enjoying part of our life alone. It's a burden but it is a burden that we enjoy doing, I'm not even kidding. I swear I never felt so motivated in school my whole life until I stepped upon this school. Even with all these stress level to take through, it's fucking satisfying and the result out of it..... I can't explain how happy it feels like.
"I do but I say I don't"
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Not selective socially but selective on my own.
It sounds the same but....... whatever it is.
Here I am sitting with my laptop over my lap feeling so messed up. This may be the most personal blog post I've ever written which I would consider to delete or private it once I publish it or maybe not. Idk? I'll shall see. So I'm feeling so messed up? Why? Why? Why? Honestly. I. Don't. Know.
Maybe it's the 3 a.m feeling where i'll feel like the most loneliest person in the world because Irfan won't stay up late even if I would want him to. You know that feel of being worthless all of the sudden. It happens often but i don't really express it out till today. I don't know what is wrong here neither I don't know what is wrong with myself. Things triggers me and kicks me back to square one that I can't even help myself but to blame every shit I did wrong even if it's not.
I remember things. I don't forget things or mostly words that made a move in my life. I really fucking don't. I can't forget. You know what made it worst? Now. When i'm alone. Everything will kick in back in me. People who says I'm this.. People who says I'm that... Why are you bla bla.. You are bla bla.. I don't want to remember. I don't want to replay all this that has been stuck in my head for so long.
I'm easily hurt by words even if I look like I don't give a single fuck. I face out to be stronger because i'm weak in this. It depends on who the person is. I can just feel so sad out of the blue and suddenly remember everything back and cause me deeper sadness which could literally made my chest so fucked up in pain. Maybe this is why.
I can't control myself neither no one else could. It is so helpless to feel this way that I sometimes feel.... to end this so much sadness. I don't know what's wrong.
"It takes two to clap"
I'm a person who's intact, a person who clings. What's mine is mine, now I may sound selfish but that is the way I am. I'll bring out different reason to meet someone new. I'm willing to go home instead of hanging out with unknown people. Don't get me wrong, i love meeting new people but I don't need tons of friends realizing i can depend on only few people. Maybe that is why the people that I put my full trust on and being protective over is those people that I've known more than 5 years. Things will work out if you work with me. I'll probably walk out from people life if I don't see the reason to stay. I'm willing to stay if you're willing to stay, i'm willing to find every way for us to be together if you work along as a team.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
I've started school heck months ago.
And the thing is......................
I'm too busy to even update, its like an abandoned blog.
But i'm sorry, i may abandon a little while more, or no?
But yeah, photoshop.
My only aim now is to learn illustrator and i'll feel complete.
I care about my future.
Monday, February 17, 2014
At little update in what i'm doing right now.
Thought I would be free since I'm not schooling for not, but no.
I started working @ Quiksilver as a temporary full time
Schedule too packed, my work schedule wasn't fixed so my weekends is my weekdays as well.
Well, i have these tons of question on why did I chose to go to the school that i've got into.
For real, i won't be going to higher nitec, so, farewell ITE it's been a pleasure.
As you guys might know I am accepted to Lasalle College of the arts.
Yes, there goes all my friends would be like why? The fact that i have no art background.
I never took arts during secondary school, except basics sec 1/2 times.
With 4 artworks completed in 12 hours, 6 artworks done everyday after work till late night.
I myself didn't expect to be accepted with my two weeks old portfolio.
Needless to say, with the tough brainwrecking two fucking hours of interview,
I could just thank Allah for his blessings and made me into th school.
Little might know how much I'm into certain kind of arts.
It's just that I don't bloom out my interest and share it with my friends.
Self learning, random drawings, doodles in books, decorating diaries, all those small stuffs.
That's what i occasionally did during school or outside, the rest..........
It'll be a fresh start for my new school, start from zero, start from scratch.
I could just say that this is my life motto -
It doesn't matter, just keep on trying. How slow paced, how far behind you are, You're willing to try and strive hard to prove those teachers and people who used to look down on you the fact that yoou're academically weak in your general studies. You have strengthes & you have weaknesses. Just stand up, carry on and don't look back. Don't stop in things that you love doing, don't admire it but work on it because in the end it is you who'll be planning out your own future.
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